Pregnancy: The End (Weeks 38 & 39)
8/28/22 - 38 weeks
Full term, full term! She’s made it.
This morning was an early wake up. My 3am insomnia of the last week held off until 5:30am, and by then, my dog was ready to party. So we walked, I started laundry, made coffee, and burned candles to try and get the moxa smell to dissipate (having soured into a strong cigarette smell). It mostly worked.
Another day for doing not much, except that partner and I got the very specific motivation to organize my herb collection. It’s all been mostly in bags for years, but today was the day. He went out and bought me different sized jars and I got to work sorting, filling jars, and labeling. It’s already looking much better.
Moving keeps getting a little harder each day. I find myself wanting to be still.
A friend came over and visited for a bit. My oxytocin must have been high because I gave them the last ice cream sandwich without reservation.
Impending surgery makes me nervous when I think about it, so I try not to think about it. What can I really do?
8/29/22 - 38 weeks and 1 day
Last night, I had a dream that my water broke. I was in the kitchen, looked down, and there was (warning: ick) a mucus plug and watery mucusy discharge all over the floor. Oh shit! I called the hospital and got put on the phone with a nurse. I told her I was a patient of my doctor, that I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and that I had been presenting frank breech or transverse the last two weeks and probably needed to come in, right? She starts telling me that I need to go to the courthouse first and get something filed. What?
“But she’s breech… doesn’t that make this an emergency?”
“Yes.”
……..
“Okay. So. I need to come in.”
“You need to file such and such paperwork first.”
“Can I talk to literally anyone else?”
And then they connected me to an automated service that ran through like… ratings from customer surveys that I have never taken to help me find a new person to talk to.
Infuriating.
Anyway, it was so specific to the day that I went ahead and wore a pad to work… just in case.
I experienced some nausea in the morning and some later mid-morning, but nothing too bad. A hot flash in the middle of a therapy session (yay). And little lady is very active today - really busting it up in there. Limbs flinging, head bulging against my side, kicking and stretching. Are you trying to escape?
A friend makes a joke about her announcing her entrance, via dream. I’d respect it as a narrative device, one hundred percent. Bring the foreshadowing! Raise suspense! Let’s go, drama queen.
Or she’s waving the gun around without intending to fire it.
Either would not surprise me about a daughter of mine.
In the afternoon, my experience of my abdomen has changed. I don’t feel a hard, round noggin. I’m pretty sure I feel the flat-round curve of her back. But then, this could be very very wishful thinking, and I have no way of confirming.
I feel my belly tighten and relax throughout the day.
My doula leaves a message for me, saying she’s contacted a chiropractor/acupuncturist on my behalf (with my okay, obvs) and explains the process to me. I give the place a call, and I’m in for Wednesday! So if she does still need turning around… here’s one more piece of bargaining before I surrender to surgery.
Although, if she has already managed to turn herself over, on her own, by her own power and initiative… well that’s even better, and I’ll just enjoy my first ever acupuncture visit - why not?
8/29/22 - 38 weeks and 2 days
No baby yet!
A contraction last night, which was interesting.
Lots of activity today - almost like she’s making attempts, but not quite able to swing it.
8/30/22 - 38 weeks and 3 days
As I wrap up with my clients before starting my leave, I notice feeling a bit sad. I’ll miss these folks! I really do enjoy what I do and they add a lot meaning to my experience of it. They’re my people. It feels time to take leave, don’t get me wrong, but I’ll miss the fullness of this identity.
I had a chiropractic visit today, and she did some adjustments - lots of mid-back tension, rotation in my hips, tilt in my hips, round ligament stiffness/tenderness. It feels like my body overcorrected for instability and wound itself up so tightly that my girl couldn’t move in the way she needed to.
I’m feeling her attempt to rotate downward now. I’m going back tomorrow morning and Friday morning, hoping to offer her the support she needs.
I will say getting my mid-back adjusted felt so good. Almost teared up a bit.
9/2/22 - 38 weeks and 5 days
September!
Yesterday was her father’s birthday and we celebrated with Thai food and carrot cake.
I had a chiropractic appointment in the morning that involved an adjustment and some tape. In the evening, she stretches really tightly across my low belly, almost like a log trying to roll. The day had a lot of inversions and ball bouncing.
I also had my last day seeing clients. Bittersweet and also it still feels like I’m coming right back on Monday. I will miss them and I’m also excited to meet my baby.
What’s also interesting, journey that this has been, is that now that I’m facing the end… I’m feeling like I’ll miss being pregnant. Weeks and weeks of feeling like “yo I’m DONE,” and now that I’m at my biggest and weirdest, I’m feeling nostalgic.
Part of it might be that I’m not sure if I’ll do this again. This might be the only time I experience this particular novelty, and I wonder if I’ve taken it in fully. I hope so.
This morning, I got another adjustment and tried acupuncture for the first time. Not bad! Had some feet needles and wrist needles and one on the top of my head.
Also experiencing some new low back pain.
My OB appointment is this morning.
9:41pm
She was sitting straight up with her head right under my sternum in the ultrasound. So. The c-section proceeds in four days, I guess.
The chiropractor texted me to ask how it went, and I told her. She asked the plan. Encouraged me to keep trying but also it’s whatever I choose.
I’ll probably still go see my doula tomorrow. I guess.
But if I can be honest in this very hormonal and vulnerable moment, it all feels really fucking stupid. I tried elevating my hips in bed and just felt like such an idiot.
I can’t get her to do it, or she won’t, and none of it matters. And I see the looks on people’s faces. No one wants a c-section, right? Natural is better for everyone! Better outcomes, better recovery! Oh bless your heart, a breech baby and major abdominal surgery. Have you tried everything? Do you want to keep trying? Surely you want to keep trying. But also don’t try too hard because it’s all for the baby, and at least the baby will be safe. But are you sure you want to go ahead with that scheduled c-section? You don’t have to, you know, it’s your choice. We could keep trying things as she gets bigger and bigger and less likely to move. But it’s totally your choice, totally, but keep doing your spinning babies!
I’m so tired, and it’s not working. I can’t give birth on my own, and, in this moment, it feels like an inherent flaw in my body, and that’s just it.
The intrusive algorithms are already offering up “c-section mamas are brave and strong” articles, and they feel patronizing and stupid as shit right now.
I know I make it impossible to comfort me.
My partner was sitting with me while I was feeling some of this, and I told him it felt like he was just watching me, and I didn’t want to do this in front of someone else. He retreated. I think it hurt him that he couldn’t offer me anything. That I didn’t feel like I could be with anyone, including him, in this moment. I feel badly about that.
The deepest shame of all is that I’m so afraid I’m going to resent her for not turning over. And I don’t want to resent my baby girl.
I think that comes from this moment - birth - feeling like the beginning of a shift in how the world relates to me. Gotta do what’s best for the baby. When can we come see the baby? Are you excited about the baby?
I’m fucking scared.
I’m scared of being cut open on a table with no control, completely trusting my body and its contents to someone I have interacted with for a combined total of like… 20 minutes. I’m scared of how I’m going to recover and heal. And it just doesn’t matter. I don’t matter, not as much as she does.
But I still matter to me. And does that make me a bad mother? Should I feel guilty that I care about how this affects me, even if I want the best for her?
At my core, perhaps I truly am a selfish person.
People in the birth-world talk exhaustively about how giving birth was the most empowering thing they ever did, and I wanted that for us. I wanted to do that with her, together. I shouldn’t have gotten so wrapped up in it, perhaps.
And I feel like sort of an asshole when everyone around me is excited and I’m not feeling that right now. I mostly just feel sad.
9/3/22 - 38 weeks and 6 days
The morning was still rough, I won’t lie to you. I woke up exhausted and weepy, angry with my partner for giving me space but also wanting space because I felt vulnerable and embarrassed.
I ugly cried on and off all morning and was numb in between.
Around lunch, I went to see my doula to talk about the birth. She was great. I wept and talked about how I’ve been feeling, and she wasn’t daunted by any of it. All normal. And yes, hormones do ramp up near the end and make emotional swings wilder and more intense. Not making that up.
She also did some body work that really felt nice. Just being touched after a morning of feeling very alone.
On the way back, I got a giant $11 kale salad (no regrets) and a bowl of black bean soup because I’ve been wanting vegetables since yesterday and didn’t have much around the house (grocery run time). Partner gently approached, and I was receptive. I explained how I felt. We repaired. We shared my soup and salad and then we napped with my head on his chest. I felt regulated again, and it was a relief.
He went to the store and got stuff to make the vegetable soup I’ve been craving (with potatoes and tomatoes, most importantly), and he did all the chopping (my stupid carpal tunnel hands still don’t work very well). Then we watched standup comedy and ate soup. I burned a candle and sipped on marshmallow root cold infusion (hoping that helps get my tissues nice and nourished/flexible for surgery and repair). It was really nice.
It’s going to be okay.
I can get through the grief of losing what I thought I would experience, and then I will come back around to being ready to meet her. We can do it.
9/5/22 - 39 weeks and 1 day
Yesterday was better. My partner and I went to the grocery store for one last food run in preparation. I met with the lactation specialist to discuss postpartum and then stayed for the prenatal yoga class - definitely the farthest along, but not by too much. It felt nice. Legs felt strong, hips felt mobile.
Today, I slept in again (gonna miss that) and then met my pregnant friend at a park for one last outing together as expecting pals. We walked a wooded trail, stopped to sit on stone benches and talk (slash, catch our breath and bring BP down lol), and then we walked back into the neighborhood for tea and a snack. Sat in the A/C and talked meal trains and this journey so far. We’ve both been pregnant all year, and now we’re about to just… not be.
Got home… showered and fell asleep. Storms rolled in and it started to rain. The temperature dropped into the low 70s, and partner and I stood outside on the porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder roll through the sky.
“This doesn’t even feel like a new chapter,” he said, “It feels like a whole new book. New character gets introduced. New perspective for the author to explore…”
I agree. Tomorrow, we will meet our daughter. Tomorrow!!
Moms came over to go over my dog’s routine and get a house key to take care of him while we’re in the hospital. Partner made curried lentils and rice, we watched more standup, and finished the last of his birthday cake.
I don’t want to go to bed. But I do. But I don’t.
I meant to wash the sheets today. I meant to put together a birth playlist. Meant to fold my laundry.
It’ll all keep. And life will go on.
Because even though this is major and even though this will change how we experience our relationship and our lives forever… our lives still belong to us and all of this will weave itself into our story. I will look out of the same eyes and think with the same mind.
Pregnancy has been a weird, wild, and beautiful time. I think, having come to the end, that I will miss this ultimately brief phase of my existence. I will miss building this person while the one I love stands by. And, I am so looking forward to watching him begin to build her story with me.
And with her.
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