Pregnancy: Frankly, Breech (Weeks 36 & 37)
8/14/22 - 36 weeks
There’s this moment, at the end of the day, when I’m sitting on the bed, and my partner is sitting in front of me, tenderly massaging comfrey salve into my wrist and hand. He looks up at me with his clear blue eyes and there is such care in them. I am in awe of how grateful I am, and I can feel it in the gaze that I’m returning. I adore him so completely.
When I was young, picturing the possibility of love, it was something that felt like this.
8/15/22 - 36 weeks and 1 day
My sleep rhythm has developed a predictable pattern.
Stage 1: I fall asleep on my left side and wake myself up in about 20 minutes by snoring - loudly. This is new. I did not used to do this. Certainly not while on my side.
Stage 2: After my rude awakening, I get up and pee, then return and fall asleep on my right side for a few hours. No snoring.
Stage 3: I get up and pee again, and then sleep around two hours on my left side… inexplicably no snoring now??
Stage 4: I wake up because of ribcage or hip discomfort, or both, roll over, and then sleep until around 5am.
Stage 5: Freestyle. Dreams get pretty weird here.
We love a routine.
Another moment seeing dancing floaters this morning, but blood pressure is fine. I did attempt to ask my doc about it, but her nurse replied instead, saying that the dizziness (which I didn’t mention or experience) and floaters are probably just blood volume.
Speaking of blood volume, I sighed heavily through my nose while reading the news during lunch and ended up with a fine mist of nosebleed on my arm. Neat.
I was telling a friend that it feels a bit like my body is a busted up car trying to finish the race - stuff falling off, funny smells, weird sounds… but the finish line is so close! Just keep going!
But I’m still walking pretty well, and that’s nice.
8/17/22 - 36 weeks and 3 days
After a few days of partner massaging my wrists with comfrey salve, my left hand feels almost normal. Right hand is still numb/tingly in the thumb, index, and middle finger, and my grip is still garbage, but it’s not… terrible.
I do be huge, though. An average sized bump on a smaller than average sized body makes for some striking proportions. I look a bit like a dreidel.
I posted a photo that partner took of me eating watermelon with a spoon while seated on the kitchen floor after getting home from work after 6pm, having waited too long to eat, and experiencing every other possible food option as unappetizing (I ended up settling on Birch Benders chocolate chip pancakes for dinner). Feedback includes a lot of “cute” and “adorable” language. It comes from a caring place, even though I’m sort of over being in an “adorable” phase of life at 34 years old. I very rarely feel adorable on the inside.
At the moment, actually, I’m slightly nauseous.
8/19/22 - 36 weeks and 5 days
On Thursday morning, we got our growth scan and saw how she was positioned - frank breech, which, we learned, means she is head up, butt down, legs up by her face. She’s been chilling in folding chair position for most of pregnancy, at least when we’ve seen her, but she was head down a few weeks ago. So what the heck, ya melon.
My doctor talked to us afterwards, and told me that if she doesn’t turn by 39 weeks, we’ll need to do a scheduled c-section.
The news hits harder than I think it will. I’ve always known that a c-section would be a possibility. Still, I had hoped to have a different experience with her - something I could move through and take charge of with her. I vacillated between feeling tearful and upset and making jokes about her trying to enter the world asshole-first. And I suppose there could be bright sides, like not having to eat all these fucking dates anymore.
I stopped by the grocery store on the way home so I could make myself a cheeseburger for lunch. It helped. I also bought a pineapple.
I sent a message to my doula about it, and she called to talk about things to try. Positions to take, assisted moves with my partner, putting an ice pack near my ribcage to encourage her to move away, playing music by my pelvis, etc.
So I try things. I try to reason with her.
“If you want to choose your birthday, you have to flip over. If you don’t flip over, we’re going to have to choose it for you.”
She swats or kicks at the ice pack on my belly.
8/22/22 - 37 weeks and 1 day
Work is good. A telehealth client tells me I look tired. I remind them that I am super pregnant. Also I’m just puffy af, this is how my face looks now.
After work, I come home and try more exercises. I flip upside down on the couch, do side-lying release, wiggle my hips in hands and knees.
I put an ice pack on the spot where I feel her noggin in hopes that it gets her to move away and down.
Before bed, my partner helps wiggle my hips and, as I forward fold over the bed, wraps a scarf around my belly and wiggles it to help loosen ligaments and encourage her to shift around.
I resolve to start thinking more about how wide my pelvic inlet is and how I can make space for her. I decide to try a sleeping position of on my side, belly on bed (vs propped by wedge) with pillows keeping knees and ankles wide.
I do feel her move, just not certain how.
We’ll keep trying, me and her. Ultimately I know it’ll happen how it happens. But I’m not quite ready to give up on laboring with her and pushing her into the world. I don’t want someone else to do it for me.
8/25/22 - 37 weeks and 4 days
Another weekly prenatal appointment this morning, and as we’re greeted by the doctor, I tell her I think I feel the hard, round lump of a head on the upper right side of my belly. She puts the ultrasound wand on top of it and the lovely round outline of the top of her skull shows up on the screen. “Yep,” the doctor confirms. “That’s her head.”
So we talk C-section again, and I start trying to settle into the idea more. There are silver linings.
Partner is excited by the idea of their birthdays being so close together. He would love for her to be the center of attention and reason to celebrate, rather than himself (I am not like this).
Her birth would be scheduled and predictable. We can be well rested for the beginning of her life. She will have a very pretty newborn head.
Her heart rate was a healthy 154, and she has a cute little profile.
In the evening, my moms come over with crispy orange tofu and a rocking chair. We talk, we laugh, and we go over the dog’s routine for when we have to leave him overnight.
When they leave, partner puts thunderstorm white noise on the portable speaker and plays guitar. We play and sing together and let it be a lullaby. And soon I notice that she’s sitting transverse (side lying). I wonder if she’s making another attempt, so I go do a side lying pose in the bed, I flip upside down, squat, get on hands and knees and do cat/cow pelvic tilts and rock back and forth. I check in with her and her head is… closer to breech again?
I leave her alone and we go back to playing and singing, and then her head drifts back down to transverse.
If one of the first lessons this kid teaches me is “trust the process and stop trying to do so much,” then that’ll be a really amazing joke.
8/27/22 - 37 weeks and 6 days
The child remains head-out-of pelvis. She rotates between breech and transverse, which looks like her round head protruding so far into my right side that it looks like I swallowed a bowling pin sideways.
Also odd - when I woke up, she felt higher up. Almost had my shelf back. During the night, I woke a couple times to my belly tightening. Curious.
Today is a bit of a wash - I don’t do much except nap, think about napping, and do things that mimic napping.
Fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon and had the curious sensation of pressure near my ah… rectum. Wonder what she was doing back there.
I reorganized my hospital bag and got it ready to grab. Current version looks like:
A cotton shift that can be a hospital gown (with openings), if I want it
A soft robe
Nursing bra and nursing tank top
Change of underwear (though I’m pretty sure I’ll get some dope mesh panties from the hospital)
Soft pants with no waistband to speak of - should feel okay on the C-section scar
Soft nursing shirt to go home in
Grippy socks
Herbs for tea and tea strainers
Some essential oils - lavender for calm, clary sage, peppermint for nausea
A couple of outfits for her in newborn size and 0-3.
A swaddle
Travel size toiletries
Calendula and comfrey salve
Some perineum spray, simply because I have it and like being prepared for anything.
Some water wipes, in case I can’t take a shower during my stay (which I believe will be the case, post-surgery)
Shampoo/body wash for partner
Lights for ambiance
A phone charger with a 10ft cable
Eye mask for sleeping
Ear plugs
Some Beyond Meat jerky for snacks
Prenatal vitamin and probiotic
Watched a movie while burning moxa near my right pinky toe. Not sure if it did much except give me a slightly stronger contraction than normal, which perhaps makes sense because it’s mugwort smoke. It also made my house smell like smokers live here.
In the evening, we watched another episode of Babies, and I felt something I actually don’t think I’ve experienced yet - something nudged my left bottom ribs. Hand? Foot? Uncertain. It happens a few times and it stirs up something like butterflies inside of me as I try to figure out what she’s doing in there.
Are you making another attempt, my love?
She seems to not particularly enjoy direct help, so I try to relax and let her do whatever it is she’s doing. I just bounce on the birthing ball and write this.
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